This is a contribution from another single mother. I have asked other single mothers if they wanted their story to be heard, so it could help others. I would like to add a trigger warning.
TRIGGER WARNING: DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.
I was 17 when I met him.
I am still there everyday. On that back mountain road, in those woods. In that yard. In that trailer. On that hill.
I can’t escape .
An attraction that seemed so real. I had to know who he was. He was so handsome and charming.
If only I would have known. How the devil disguises himself.
Young and naive I suppose.
If I would have known the destruction and ruin that he would become.
Yet something so beautiful would come out of it….
I was only 17 when I met him. Shortly before I turned 18 I moved in, before he was violent. I quit school. And suddenly became a prisoner.
No phone, because it “broken” no way to communicate…
If I would try to get away he would chase me down.
I would run;
Down the road, through the woods while he was asleep.
He would find me and drag me back to that God forbidden trailer.
I never knew how homicidal people thought…
How can you be so hateful.. that you want to kill? Intimidate? Harm women… mainly .. How does one’s mind get so warped? How does ones family see their grandchild/ nephew do these things and not say a word. With a black and blue face…
The worst part was not being believed.
A judge even thought I was lying because my story was “extreme”.
I still was the one at fault. Even with A face unrecognizable from the beatings..
I was abused in every shape, way, and form.
And 6 years later, I am still not the same person.
She’s somewhere. But I will never be the same.
Something in me died.
I am still there. In that trailer. Every. Single. Day. The memories haunt me.
Even though a part of me died. Another part was found. And now with a 4 year old son who has my heart and soul… I am thankful we made it through together. I was pregnant while all of this was going on.
I was not allowed to eat, I was not allowed to bathe, brush my teeth, brush my hair. Everything had to be done with his permission. Even to get a glass of water. And if I went against his way, there was hell to pay. He would deny me food while being pregnant and sit and eat in front of me.
I was his perfect contestant to one of his favorite games of Russian roulette. He loved intimidating me with guns.
I still am jumpy to loud noises, to certain movements people make sitting next to me.. even in new relationships.
“Is there a gun under that pillow hes hiding?” I find myself asking…
My abuser would wait until he had me sitting/laying down on the couch and put a gun to my head.
He said ” say your last words”
Making me pray and plead for my life.
Only to turn around, fire a hole In His ceiling and laugh. Sick bastard.
I had finally found courage to get away.
I remember looking down at my belly and then staring at myself in the mirror in his trailer.
I asked myself, “Is this going to be the last day I am alive?”
It was a question I frequently found myself asking. And at that time I knew I needed to find the strength to permanently leave.
After being traumatized, threatened every day to be killed with a gun or whatever other weapon. After every beating, kick or punch. With every hateful word that stabbed me just as bad. With every thing I was forced to do sexually. And scared to say no. With every time I sat there for hours upon hours while he raged until he got physical…
I found strength. I found strength to leave. I did it for my baby. And I am so glad I did. I do not know if we would still be alive if I stayed…
4 years later he is going to jail for cutting his girlfriend after me whom had to be hospitalized.
He is now a felon and facing 10 years. He is now the monster no one else could see before, Until now.
And to me that is closure.
I am still there. And everyday still finding my way back to shallower ground.
My now 4 year old saved my life. I believe. While I was pregnant. I love him more than anything. And I am so happy to be raising such a loving, sweet soul. It is a miracle how something so beautiful can come out of a situation so ugly.
And if anyone is going through this anything similar… Know this
You are strong enough. You are enough. You are loved, you are beautiful, and you are worth so much.
If you find yourself in a situation of domestic abuse please contact a person you trust. You are worthy and love and the world needs you. There are women shelters who can help you get back up your feet.